When growing up, we typically want to make our parents proud. This often comes from us viewing our parents as authority figures or role models who we want approval from. And, with maturity, we may see that our parents play an irreplaceable role in our lives because, without them, we would not have been born or kept fed, safe, and educated. With this experience of our parents, we may feel compelled to “repay” them by pursuing a career they think we’ll be good at. However, you might first and foremost want to ponder whether or not you should follow your parents’ career advice in the first place.
One way to do this is by assessing your parents’ intentions. Your parents might, for instance, want to pass down their family business to you or they might have ideas about what career you should pursue. They might have good reasons behind these things. For example, they may think that taking over the family business will secure you with a stable income or that your natural tendencies align well with certain career paths, so you’ll end up happier in those as opposed to others. Other parents, however, lack good intentions. They might, for instance, have unfulfilled desires themselves and try to push you into a career they wanted but failed to pursue.
Regardless of your parents’ motives, though, you should choose your career by independently using your own judgment if you want to have a good relationship with them and yourself. Even if your parents have the best intentions behind their advice, only you can fully come to understand and know which career will truly fulfill you.
The alternative to independently choosing a career is disastrous. The parents of a friend of mine, for example, concluded that he had a vocation for biology when he was around sixteen years old. After finishing high school, my friend took their conclusion as his own, then studied biology, and ultimately became a successful microbiologist. Nowadays, he earns a lot of money and his parents are proud of him and his achievements. Nevertheless, my friend is unhappy with his job and life and he has a latent feeling of hatred toward his parents.
The reason, I assume, is that he didn’t think about his career choice enough and merely followed his parents’ advice. And because he accepted their conclusions as his own, he feels hatred toward them for making the wrong decision for him.
What this example shows us is that relying on others to choose our career for us is not a way to build personal happiness or healthy relationships with our parents. After all, if you pursue a career you did not deem important in the first place but went after for the sake of “making mom and dad proud,” how could you ever be happy with yourself or with your parents?
Independently choosing a career does not mean avoiding or outright disregarding parental advice, however. Rather, what the virtue of independence demands is that we critically evaluate our parents’ advice. Sound and solid advice is likely to contribute to our happiness if we independently embrace a suggestion.
Yet blindly accepting and following your parents’ advice leads nowhere good. At best, your parents will be happy you followed their advice but you’ll dislike your job. The frustration you feel will then pollute the relationship with your family and estrange you from them. Worse, your parents might reject you even if you achieve their vision. Ultimately, your parents’ desire to push you into a certain career might merely be a symptom of their deeper psychological issues, such as a wish to control you. If so, succeeding in your career and becoming more independent is ultimately incompatible with their lust for paternal dominance.
Hence, your fear that your parents might turn their back on you one day should not prevent you from actualizing your potential. If your parents are rational and well-meaning, they will listen to your view and likely support you. By earning your success, in turn, you will create values that your parents and family should actually celebrate you for. And even if they don’t—shouldn’t the achievement of your values be more important to you than the wishes and desires of a family who only accepts you if you achieve their values while relinquishing your own?
